Learning from the "Three Fingers Pointed At Self"
Blaming Others Brings on Chronic Stress:
Even if I am using this as a defense mechanism to avoid anxiety or emotional pain, harboring negative emotions and anger means I am living with chronic stress, the type that eats away at me little by little. Chronic stress is the type of stress linked to chronic fatigue, back pain, stomach upset and headaches and serious diseases like heart trouble, Cancer, Depression and autoimmune diseases.
Much of malcontent has to do with the refusal to take personal responsibility. People make mistakes and engage in regrettable actions. But by failing to take personal responsibility the road to constructive change is blocked. This refusal is piloted by the belief that somehow it is not okay to make mistakes. Better to blame others than to admit culpability. For, making mistakes means being flawed and being flawed means being unworthy of respect.
I must give up the blame claim that someone always has to be blamed and made to pay. Everyday life isn’t a court of law and I'm not the judge and jury. To accept myself and others unconditionally is not easy. This doesn’t mean I can’t negatively rate my own actions or those of others; but it does mean that I shouldn’t berate myself or others. People aren’t “assholes” or “shits” even when they do shitty things.
Articles in Psychology Today and others suggest "recasting responsibility" as a way to learn from my mistakes. Accepting my fallibility as a route toward self-improvement has brought peace of mind. I rest content that I live in an imperfect world. Embracing this imperfect universe and the fallible beings in it, myself and others — putting my energy into choices that move me forward - has paid off richly.
![Rollerblade Hockey team in Ha...]()
Rollerblade Hockey team in Half Moon Bay, CA. "Pure human grit, no politics, no horror, just a few kids fighting for something they never even knew they wanted." 7/30/17
Last Sunday was the "Championship" round for, our almost 10-yr-old granddaughter's Rollerblade Hockey season. Three "star" players and the coach were not available. The remaining team members (4 total) carried their fears with them all week. They had one sub to make the team (5) total but with no substitutes.
Our granddaughter said over and over "we're going to lose!" The day before the game she said, "We have go to to the high school and practice! We need to practice before tomorrow!"
Each parent had a similar story to tell. The nerves ran high, but each player knew it was "up to them".
The first period (of three) it was 0-0. The team held together, with no reserves. Sometimes they had 4 on the field so one could rest for a few minutes. The second period they went up 3-1. They could not believe it. Each goal was a victory, each of the "stops" they had against the other team was amazing. The third period was tied 3-3 until the last 2 minutes. A puck made it through and the other team scored. It was 4-3 with one minute to go. Granddaughter's team goalie came off the field and it was an offensive last ditch play to tie it up and go into overtime. With :20 seconds left, the other team made a goal. It was 5-3 and they lost!
The team came off the rink exhausted — but elated. Each player knew they did their best. Our granddaughter was happy and felt proud of her performance. It was a celebration.
The next day the stand-in-coach sent an e-mail, "They all stepped up. The most amazing were Kira and Kirin. My blast email tried not to focus on individuals, but you should let Kirin know- we’ve seen what she can do now. No more huddling with Sophie behind the bench, or hiding in the defensive zone. She showed that when she shows up to play she can play- and really really well too."
Grandpa Sam comments, "Losing is good!!! I remember the Weiser High School football game where I made all those tackles. We lost! Coach Gill took me to the Rotary Club meeting in Ontario later because I was given an award for being voted "the best defensive opponent".
![Amygdala is where emotions s...]()
Amygdala is where emotions such as fear or pleasure are processed. One way to find it is to stick a finger in the ear. We can learn and develop skills for more satisfaction by practicing good thinking
Our grandchildren sent me a podcast story from Stitcher Radio - stories for bedtime, car rides and kids - where the grandma answers, most occurrences and issues that come up in the family, with the words, "Good news, bad news!"
Grandma has figured out a way to turn on and off the Amygdala switch (your emotional thermostat). Research suggests the Amygdala also enhances memory by heightening the emotion related to the incident. Niel Slade's research states this includes logical and intuitive perception of future events. Slade further suggests ways to "supercharge the Frontal Lobes" for sharpening ones mind.
Conversely, a Japanese study on NHK television showed how "stress" - we no longer have to flee or fight wild animals as cave dwellers; and is replaced by modern living - grows extra nerve endings. Therefore, the Amygdala more efficiently transmits messages to our body organs and especially the adrenals. This produces extra Cortisol that causes problems in our arteries that lead to Heart Disease, Diabetes, Cancer and a host of other problems..
Slade further suggests there is an Anterior Amygdala and Posterior Amygdala. Turning on the Anterior causes pleasure and peace of mind. Turning on the Posterior causes discomfort, paranoia, fear, rage and emotional pain.
Grandma is right, "Good news, Bad news!" We stimulate our brain with thought. Thought and electrochemical brain activity are inseparable. The question is: What am I doing to learn and develop the skills for controlling my thoughts so I can spend more of my time with pleasure and peace-of-mind?
![John Rosemond video for Prag...]()
John Rosemond video for Prager University
According to Rosemond, PROTECTION, AFFECTION & DIRECTION are the requirements for good parenting.
Material and heart-felt emotional over-indulgence is creating depression, whining, entitlement addiction in our children. Also true with the "child" within each adult!
This Vitamin N deficiency is not just out there - I find a deficiency with my own inner child as well. I just looked in my pantry and there are several boxes of goodies given to me by my friend, who Japanese-style gives them to me in friendship when she comes back from Japan. I don't want to hurt her feelings and the treats are really tasty and beautiful in appearance. It's not easy to say "no" and choose something more nutritious when I feel hungry for a snack.
Starbucks is on every street corner in our Seattle environment. It's not easy to say "no" to too many Frappucchinos on warm summer days.
I walked through Nordstrom with our daughter and she said, "Look, that's good looking and on sale!" In no way do I need another dress, but I bought it.
On the other hand, I have long established a habit of staying on my budget. I learned early in life to not spend more financially than I make. That also applies to spending more emotions and energy than I have or can create.
Therefore, add "VITAMIN-O" - opportunities for growth and learning for a more fulfilling life!!!
![Studies show families where "...]()
Studies show families where "no" is strong and repeated often come out more successful.
When our first daughter got to age two, I decided she didn't have to go through the "no no stage". I disciplined her without using the word "no". Therefore, we avoided that no no stage, but just saying the word "no" is not the total answer to building our good inner values and self awareness.
That didn't mean we allowed her to not learn discipline and self-control of her emotions of wanting whatever she thought about or saw that looked inviting. Evidently, one of the studies done at a prestigious college found there was a huge difference in families that said "no" a lot. Disfunctional families were found to be too indulgent and used the word "no" less.
One of the baby steps is repetition. I helped get the Suzuki Method of Talent Education started in the Seattle area. One of the principles of starting a student at the age of three learning to play the violin, cello or piano is that we don't expect the child to do more than repeat learning Mozart's TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR for a whole year. Parents have no trouble praising each little effort of that three-year-old the whole year as well.
It's a struggle. According to Prager in FOR GOODNESS SAKE, struggle is good and necessary to get to "goodness" because we are all born self-indulgent. Culture and learning skills the KAIZEN way are steps toward success in life. It is suggested this separates us from the animals, but it is even getting to be "in" to have all kinds of schools for animals as well.
![Challenge is to start with one...]()
Challenge is to start with one small step at a time and appreciate each step
Seventeen-month-old Marshall visited us this week. It is easy for his parents and for Sam and me to figure out how to satisfy his simple wants. It was also relatively easy for us to feel good about satisfying his wants.
As we age it is harder to simplify a want or need and have that want or need fulfilled. The deeper value of KAIZEN is to develop the skills to complete each small step every day.
Marshall is just learning to do the stairs. He has to crawl or have us hold his hand to successfully do a stair without falling and getting hurt. It's the same with life.
Using the metaphor of stair climbing, I like thinking of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. Like our three story house, the first set of stairs is to learn to satisfy our "having needs" of food, clothing, shelter and safety. The second set of stairs is to learn to satisfy our "doing needs" striving to gain respect and dignity. Every day, we need to climb the "having stairs" before we can climb the "doing stairs".
The ultimate goal in life is to learn the skills of climbing the third set of stairs of "having needs" for love beauty and esthetics. Not only do we daily satisfy the first two set of stairs, but it is best to learn the skills of each of the steps in the later set - one small step at a time.
Marshal reminds us that he practices one small step over and over each day. And there is no doubt that we expect him to ultimately climb all the way to the top. We want to avoid getting stuck. KAIZEN means learning and appreciating the essential skills of each step, keep repeating so we don't forget and to keep going.
![Sophomore Keilyn Kunimoto an...]()
Sophomore Keilyn Kunimoto and Anna Oda are headed to the National Championships in San Diego. Wow!!
Keilyn is Jodilyn Nakanishi and Keith Kunimoto's daughter in Hilo, Hawaii. Sam, with his mother's Nakanishi heritage, says, "It's got to be part of our Nakanishi blood?" But visiting them on the big island, Keith is super involved with Kei-K and tennis!! Great parenting.
The best part of this picture of success is how wise Kei-K is about life. As in my last post about the 5 traits of successful people, she is equally excited about the success of others saying, "“I’m also super excited to share this experience with my good friend, and I’m really looking forward to it. This is the first time Anna and I qualified for nationals, and I’m really happy we were able to qualify together.”.
She seeks new experiences, “I’m super excited to get the opportunity to play against the top talent because it is a chance for me to get more experience playing different people and seeing how I can do against high-level players,” Kei-K said. “Overall, I’m looking to gain more experience playing better players while having a great time."
She is humble about it all while going all out.
![IKE'S PRINCIPLES - tools to bu...]()
IKE'S PRINCIPLES - tools to build the 5 successful traits
1. FINDING HAPPINESS IN THE SUCCESS OF OTHERS
*Share in other’s joy
2. RELENTLESSLY SEEK NEW EXPERIENCES
“Novelty seeking is one of the traits that keeps you healthy and happy
and fosters personality growth as you age” - Robert Cloninger
3. YOU DON’T THINK WORK-LIFE BLANCE. YOU JUST THINK LIFE.
*Successful people find ways to include family without excluding work.
Most of the younger generations choose not to work the long hours the
first and second generation Japanese worked to get ahead but
freedom means we have the opportunity if we choose.
4. KNOW SUCCESS IS FLEETING - KNOW DIGNITY LASTS FOREVER
*EXUDE RESPECT AND DIGNITY. Despite all the discrimination and
incarceration experienced by Japanese and Japanese Americans, I am
proud of how we kept our dignity and respect.
5. YOU DON’T THINK YOU’RE SPECIAL
*Successful people reap the benefits of humility.
*BE HUMBLE - spending some time at the Japan Fair in Bellevue, I can
see this trait is embraced by our Japanese Heritage almost to a fault,
but I am pleased to learn to practice this value, growing up in America
where it is a choice.
This list comes from an article in businessinsider.com. My interest in this list is that I am a champion of the good Japanese Heritage values that I want to pass on to my grandchildren here in America.
My great grandpa came to America first in 1897 because he wanted his sons to have the economic and social opportunities here in the USA that he felt were not available in crowded and depressed Japan. Wherever one lives, keeping the good values make a difference in a fulfilling life.
![Veteran's Memorial at Mercer...]()
Veteran's Memorial at Mercerdale Park - Before all the Mercerversary Activities - NOTHING LIKE A SUMMER WALK AROUND OUR PARK
We're back from an early morning walk around Mercerdale Park where all the vendors were almost set up for the crowd coming to enjoy the Mercerversary Celebration.
Cars were already parked going down hill on 78th toward the park, but Sam kept driving into the Mercerdale parking lot. I said, "I'm sure there isn't any parking." I was tempted to say more emphatically, "See all the spots are gone." But Sam kept driving into the back section.
Lo and behold, there was an empty spot and there was even another car pulling out. That is the way our life has been when I learn to keep my mouth shut and Sam never lets immediate impressions and the average rhetoric from the public get in the way of pursuing what he wants.
Last Thursday my 10-year-old and 8-year-old granddaughters and I went to get a treat at the B-Street used bookstore in San Mateo. I had earlier refused to buy the $30 dragon figures at Talbot's toy store, but I could be talked into spending money on books.
After about 1/2 hour of browsing, the 10-yr-old chose Edgar A Guest's COLLECTION OF VERSE. I was surprised, but she said, "I looked at some of the poems and I liked them. I want to write poetry and this will inspire me."
The 8-yr-old is competitive and she chose another volume of the same book. She said, "Look, it's a 937 page book and has a special cover." Her book was a special gift edition with a second box cover and also came edged with gold leaf. She was proud to outdo her sister.
I thought it a slight waste of resources not to spend my money on getting a different book, but I said, "I'm pleased to spend $30 on books."
Our next stop was lunch. At lunch and for the rest of the afternoon, both girls shouted out page numbers and read poems together out loud. After we got home the 10-yr-old marked her favorite poems with stickies.
I particularly liked IT COULDN'T BE DONE, copied and sent it email to a friend explaining the acquisition process. After I returned home to Seattle, I explained the incident to my husband, Sam. He said, "Edgar A Guest is also one of my favorite poets. I want a book too." So I called B-Street Books and ordered another volume for ourselves.
Now we can send the page numbers to each other and enjoy the poems together. I hear our granddaughter's father heard them reading some of the poems yesterday and liked IT COULDN'T BE DONE. He doesn't know that I had chosen to copy that same poem out of the 900+ choices I had.
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