Yllumière Leir Beginning the End
This is the post analysis of a relationship. My explaining and explaining away of my 3+ year relation/friend/skinship with Amla. This is going to be less bitter than the last one. I met you and liked you. I loved the way you carried yourself, your extrovert nature, your care for your friends, and I liked your body.
When first I declared my love for you, you agreed, but in the ensuing conversation we had, my bizarre declarations in that very public party, saying love is a foreplay and I will love you only for a few months, surely at that drunken moment everything would have been so confusing. Yet I was exhilarated by your answer. After that fateful night we chatted the next day when I said let us be friends, but I don't know what I was thinking. But slowly my love was becoming more sure.
After then, we called each other several times, and everytime I promised my love and at these times it was no more accidents, I was sure of my love was something that can take me to marriage and beyond and I said so too. You still acted confused. This went on for several months and yet I was hopeful. Then one day, a day before you were leaving for home you came to me and said with such surety that you do love me, yes you will marry me and want to live with me for the rest of your life, even made me promise that I will not flirt around. We kissed the kiss for the first time. What a day that was! You went home and I saw the first waves of indifference from then on, which I blamed on you being home. Now I think, you had that kind of courage only because you were going home and can avoid me for a long period of time without much effort.
You came back and your love was back, but with less surely, then at some point you gave me the magic number of 3% chance of our relationship working. Different culture, religion and so on. All of this I also knew, but I remember trying to persuade you otherwise. A friend of us was with us, the only person both of us knew, whom I had told about the relationship. She was not happy about this relationship and told me that plainly.
Meanwhile I had told my other friends about you, people whom you don't know personally and unlike my other relationships, this relationship did not make me commitment phobic, it made me courageous. They too encouraged me and I was happy and proud of my love.
You were irritated by the minimal things and I was pissed off constantly. The messages we sent were easily regretted when finally one day, you asked me to leave you alone. What I didn't know was my heart was going to be twisted to the last veins from that day on. I tried to chide you into responsibility, but your indifference was appalling and you were raring to leave.
A long period of silence, then I don't remember how we started off again, I missed you constantly, did not know what to do, tried to contact you, went through disastrous flings, hurt many people and did make amends with most of them. I knew it had to be you. Your love should have given me courage to move on. You were confused.
We met at times, I realized how affected I was by your presence, I get all worked up. At one point, whenever a girl passes by in our department corridor, I feel it was you, yes, pathetic, but that was me. Sometimes when I sit in S's room, I still strain my ears to see if that female voice I am hearing is yours. Even now.
I tried to contact you several times to find out why you broke up with me. You never told me. But slowly and surely you were telling me lies, improvisations, explanations on why you broke up. Many were such see through lies, I wondered how you live with yourself.
Then I was feeling lonely in the cold, rainy days of Madikeri, I called you and after several excruciating hours, you again said you love me. I was happy again. See, that was easy. I was meant to be lost again. Then of course the usual period of indifference. Then we decided to talk and talk we did. You kept yourself at a safe distance and you got pissed off easily and walked away and i had to plead you to come back. Then you told me your secret. You had another relationship and you were going to be married to him soon. Fine, you could have told me earlier. Yet you didn't mind the skinship that followed.
Then another day, we started sending the worst hate messages possible, it became a cruel game, and you were increasingly became childish, the accusation of which started the whole thing in the first place. It struck me that you never sent a love message this passionately at any time. Hate comes so easy for you, if it is me. You did not care, I knew I had to stop.
Then we met again, serious skinship, much more than ever, but then nothing serious though, but it scared you to the core. My feelings were strong and you could sense it and you almost lost yourself. Our friend saw us, but choose not talk about it. I am glad that she saw us there, at that point of time.
We stopped, and one day I had what I want to call a anxiety attack, a day you chose to ignore, and I called you infinitely, something was happening to me, I was scared I would not survive the night. You promised to call me, but did not. I did survive that night, but I realize how cruel can your indifference be and I wanted no part of it. You told me you were then pissed off with your bf, could have told me is what I replied.
I still crave for you, my body desires you and my heart is filled with hope when I see you. At the same time, I will tell you this: I don't want to be with you for the rest of my life because I really don't love you so much. You are not a good person. You are so stuck up in your fears, your double life is scarily fragile and all these pent up emotions is not going to end nicely.
I know you are hurt by my words, but if you had cared, you would have thought twice before how you chose to speak with me or act when you are around. It is not usually the lack of love that hurts, but the lack of care. But you are purposefully indifferent and it hurts so much.
I was talking forever about closure, telling you we can't be friends unless I have my closure. For you closure is declaring that 'let us be friends!' I told you you are a child, it is worth repeating your emotional immaturity is repulsive at this age, you are older than me, is not only appalling, it can kill.
When I finally had to talk to our mutual friend about our whatevership, I felt I was in control, I can maybe have a closure after all, maybe by writing this, telling people about it, I don't have to live in such pain and hurt all directed at myself. It is not easy. Also, I feel guilty to those good friend of ours to whom I really feel guilty because they are such good friends to both of us. Yet you did not want to reveal anything. You knew that would be a commitment and I always felt like a thief.
I am not bound by your rule anymore. This is me deciding on how to end this relationship, a responsibility I am taking on myself. This is how I am going to close this relationship and gain some control over my lawless life.
Consider this then the beginning of my closure. You might have a story to tell. You may not care enough to tell it also. But if you do, I am willing to listen. It may not change what we had or what we will be, but it may at least be the caring wet cloth pressed over so many painful memories.
N.B. My feelings range from this post to the last one and I feel no apologies for my bitterness, that is what I felt, and this is how I reached there, and things are not going to be the same again.
Image by from Flickr (Loli)