There are some points in which you start appreciating the western habits of commemorating the commonest emotions: love for your friends, lovers, mother father, sister. The day you start appreciating it is the day you realize how you have been taking everything for granted.
After a patellar dislocation, I have been recuperating, first at an Ayurvedic hospital and now at home. Slowly healing. Thinking how directionless my life has been going, and how lonely I might be feeling, my mother decided to take a break from her work. And since she would be going back to work today on Monday, yesterday was more emotional than other days. And yesterday was Mother's Day.
With all the awkwardness I wished her in the morning. The google doodle reminded me so heartily. Throughout the day she filled me with joyful little nothings, like the tiny pieces in the Duck Roast: ever so little as she battled to feed me Duck meat, but not conspicuously so, as my Ayurveda medicines prevent me from having any.
She even came and sat with me while I was watching a movie, in a language she knows not a word of. She said I was sitting here alone, so she just came. That's in between her church visits and household work.
I realize how little kitchen work I end up doing, inspite of my sympathy and empathy. But again, these are bandages for the real problem she think I have: me not settling down. Is she thinking is she doing mothering right? That's terrible. My own progress is slow, my confusions are debilitating, and my own demons are unshareably scandalous. But you have been truly a motherly mother all my life.
We have a day for mothers so that we don't take our mothers for granted all year around. Or atleast for a day.
Picture Courtesy
geezaweezer via Flickr
This is the post analysis of a relationship. My explaining and explaining away of my 3+ year relation/friend/skinship with Amla. This is going to be less bitter than the last one.
I met you and liked you. I loved the way you carried yourself, your extrovert nature, your care for your friends, and I liked your body.
When first I declared my love for you, you agreed, but in the ensuing conversation we had, my bizarre declarations in that very public party, saying love is a foreplay and I will love you only for a few months, surely at that drunken moment everything would have been so confusing. Yet I was exhilarated by your answer. After that fateful night we chatted the next day when I said let us be friends, but I don't know what I was thinking. But slowly my love was becoming more sure.
After then, we called each other several times, and everytime I promised my love and at these times it was no more accidents, I was sure of my love was something that can take me to marriage and beyond and I said so too. You still acted confused. This went on for several months and yet I was hopeful. Then one day, a day before you were leaving for home you came to me and said with such surety that you do love me, yes you will marry me and want to live with me for the rest of your life, even made me promise that I will not flirt around. We kissed the kiss for the first time. What a day that was! You went home and I saw the first waves of indifference from then on, which I blamed on you being home. Now I think, you had that kind of courage only because you were going home and can avoid me for a long period of time without much effort.
You came back and your love was back, but with less surely, then at some point you gave me the magic number of 3% chance of our relationship working. Different culture, religion and so on. All of this I also knew, but I remember trying to persuade you otherwise. A friend of us was with us, the only person both of us knew, whom I had told about the relationship. She was not happy about this relationship and told me that plainly.
Meanwhile I had told my other friends about you, people whom you don't know personally and unlike my other relationships, this relationship did not make me commitment phobic, it made me courageous. They too encouraged me and I was happy and proud of my love.
You were irritated by the minimal things and I was pissed off constantly. The messages we sent were easily regretted when finally one day, you asked me to leave you alone. What I didn't know was my heart was going to be twisted to the last veins from that day on. I tried to chide you into responsibility, but your indifference was appalling and you were raring to leave.
A long period of silence, then I don't remember how we started off again, I missed you constantly, did not know what to do, tried to contact you, went through disastrous flings, hurt many people and did make amends with most of them. I knew it had to be you. Your love should have given me courage to move on. You were confused.
We met at times, I realized how affected I was by your presence, I get all worked up. At one point, whenever a girl passes by in our department corridor, I feel it was you, yes, pathetic, but that was me. Sometimes when I sit in S's room, I still strain my ears to see if that female voice I am hearing is yours. Even now.
I tried to contact you several times to find out why you broke up with me. You never told me. But slowly and surely you were telling me lies, improvisations, explanations on why you broke up. Many were such see through lies, I wondered how you live with yourself.
Then I was feeling lonely in the cold, rainy days of Madikeri, I called you and after several excruciating hours, you again said you love me. I was happy again. See, that was easy. I was meant to be lost again. Then of course the usual period of indifference. Then we decided to talk and talk we did. You kept yourself at a safe distance and you got pissed off easily and walked away and i had to plead you to come back. Then you told me your secret. You had another relationship and you were going to be married to him soon. Fine, you could have told me earlier. Yet you didn't mind the skinship that followed.
Then another day, we started sending the worst hate messages possible, it became a cruel game, and you were increasingly became childish, the accusation of which started the whole thing in the first place. It struck me that you never sent a love message this passionately at any time. Hate comes so easy for you, if it is me. You did not care, I knew I had to stop.
Then we met again, serious skinship, much more than ever, but then nothing serious though, but it scared you to the core. My feelings were strong and you could sense it and you almost lost yourself. Our friend saw us, but choose not talk about it. I am glad that she saw us there, at that point of time.
We stopped, and one day I had what I want to call a anxiety attack, a day you chose to ignore, and I called you infinitely, something was happening to me, I was scared I would not survive the night. You promised to call me, but did not. I did survive that night, but I realize how cruel can your indifference be and I wanted no part of it. You told me you were then pissed off with your bf, could have told me is what I replied.
I still crave for you, my body desires you and my heart is filled with hope when I see you. At the same time, I will tell you this: I don't want to be with you for the rest of my life because I really don't love you so much. You are not a good person. You are so stuck up in your fears, your double life is scarily fragile and all these pent up emotions is not going to end nicely.
I know you are hurt by my words, but if you had cared, you would have thought twice before how you chose to speak with me or act when you are around. It is not usually the lack of love that hurts, but the lack of care. But you are purposefully indifferent and it hurts so much.
I was talking forever about closure, telling you we can't be friends unless I have my closure. For you closure is declaring that 'let us be friends!' I told you you are a child, it is worth repeating your emotional immaturity is repulsive at this age, you are older than me, is not only appalling, it can kill.
When I finally had to talk to our mutual friend about our whatevership, I felt I was in control, I can maybe have a closure after all, maybe by writing this, telling people about it, I don't have to live in such pain and hurt all directed at myself. It is not easy. Also, I feel guilty to those good friend of ours to whom I really feel guilty because they are such good friends to both of us. Yet you did not want to reveal anything. You knew that would be a commitment and I always felt like a thief.
I am not bound by your rule anymore. This is me deciding on how to end this relationship, a responsibility I am taking on myself. This is how I am going to close this relationship and gain some control over my lawless life.
Consider this then the beginning of my closure. You might have a story to tell. You may not care enough to tell it also. But if you do, I am willing to listen. It may not change what we had or what we will be, but it may at least be the caring wet cloth pressed over so many painful memories.
N.B. My feelings range from this post to the last one and I feel no apologies for my bitterness, that is what I felt, and this is how I reached there, and things are not going to be the same again.
Image by from Flickr (Loli)
Just Venting It All Out - A messy template for a hate mail.
It's been three years now since I met you. I have tried to love you and live a normal life. I failed miserably in both. When I put you at fault for both, please hold your anger for a minute and read on. Because I am not finished.
What were we? A series of disappointments? In three years, I changed so much. I thought love will transform me for the better. Transform it did, both of us.
Sometime your actions are so spiteful and horrible, I can almost listen my heart serrated so painfully, I whimper like a child. And I don't. But I am so heartbroken my insides churn in pain. Like a sick person, even a fake smile brings infinite pain.
I asked this several times and you couldn't answer them. Instead you ran, for your life. You broke up with me. But you never told me. You hid the lie of two-timing so long, now I don't believe that either. You are saying you are hurt too. Really? In between your hundreds of friends, do you even have time to think about me?
All your smallest uncaring actions bring me immense pain. Do you even realize that? Your attitude of 'Whatever', your smart ass answers, were not good enough to hide your ugly secret. I knew something was lurking behind, and drew it out I did. But after so many years! Do you even know what does that people. But who cares, right?
I hate you bitch, I wish you so much bad luck, that from now on you would not dare to take one step further in your life. More than that, I want to tear your innocent face to the world, and show it to others, what a truly horrible monster of a woman you are.
You never wanted our relationship to come to the front, to make it public. Because that would be a commitment. You liked men liking you so much, and managed it so well, you didn't care how many people got hurt in the process.
But you are a good friend to so many, nobody would doubt, you have such a cruel streak in you. Your hate and cruelty is so much passionate, I had to remind you that you never loved me half that passion.
I hardly remember a good moment with you, that is not interspersed with hundreds of hate messages you have been sending for the past three years. Everything will be according to your own whims and fancies. You will take people for rides you enjoy. But remember, they are people, they have faces, names, memories and heart even though you may have no regard for.
I should have listened to your friend, yes, your friend, who told me what a bitch you were. Here is a clue: she is still a good friend of yours.
'I respect your love for me', your favourite line, repeated over the years, now so cliched, I can barf when you start that, because I know you don't care. You just want to avoid me, but pushing me not too far away, because then one less person is madly in love with you.
Yet I am tied to you, when you move by, when a call comes from you, my heart is aflutter, my stomach is in a knot, and my brain is washed with so much of hope and love, I forget all the ill feelings I have been harboring against you. And I am lost.
It is then I hate my mind and my body that has become so habituated and enslaved for you.
Liar. Cheater. Childish. Stupid. You are all of this and so did I too become.
What Am I to You? That's how I started. The one question I had to ask you, and which you always avoided. Now I will not ask you to tell me the truth. Because you will lie. You can very well build a castle of lies and live there for the rest of your life. For that, I pity you and the rest of the life you are going to live.
You are a child. How can I ask you to take responsibility when you don't have the emotional maturity to take that decision. So, yes, I forgive you.
Also, as wise people say, we should always forgive others, because we are after all human, but we shall never, never forget.
No, I will never forget you, dear nor the time we shared together. This is my bye. You can go live your life now. I am SO out of it. You are free to destroy it or make some good of it...Just Kidding.
Picture Courtesy: shandi-lee at flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shandilee/5489333309/
This would have been a minor edit in the last post. Annu has left too. In a charectristic, but suprising (really?) way. I should have noted the aloofness in her voice, which she had to put there, to warn me off. I thought I was playing along with her, though I was unsure where it was leading to. It was too much too soon, couldn't deny that. And I was unsure if it was actually going someplace nice. But there was some movement. And while it was there, it was fun. Now that she decided to move on, saying so, in not so many words, I was plainly shocked intially. But as Neela said, "Maybe these are the people I am getting attracted to." It is easy to imagine scenarios of the bleeding heart, but honestly, I am basically repeating patterns here.
What were my expectations at the chat?
Long-lasting friendships? Soulmate? Sex partner? Play partner? The adventures of chatting. It was fun while it lasted is the only line I can adopt now, rest of it seems so childish and foolish.
I played up to them and when they left, and left me alone, I am now going back to my old, masochistic sadness, alone in the milling crowd, my favourite place to be. Maybe my unconscious will to be here, and that's why I am here. Unfortunately, fate didn't have other plans. Anyway, nothing strong enough.
Picture Courtesy: kevindooley via Flickr
There is a point at which we feel the need for a closure. It is always an immediate moment, a sudden decision, but something that might have brought about by frustrations and hopelessness that were built in a period of time.This period then would be the gestation period of that seemingly sudden closure.
I have at several points decided to stop mulling over Hanin (to not confuse with salmas), but none would work because she would spring suddenly up and says hi, or chide me for a berating offline message I have left her in a moment of utter frustration. I called her, shouted salma salma over the phone, at a crazy moment.
I am sure I did hear her voice, sweet and flowing over the phone. I would have been silent if her father took the call. I half-expected her to pick up everytime I called, and knew it for sure she wouldn't. But she did and trouble ensued.
She came back with an offline as damaging as it can ever be. There was something which she said which stayed with : "Do you want me to ward me off your life?" I am exaggerating, but it was equally heartening. That was the last I heard of her. She left. I tried following up with more, fuller promises ("I will not try to call- I have even deleted your phone number"). I did expect her to say something. But nothing whatsoever.
What is left of that frenzied chatting sessions over a period of a few months was - no contact from crazygirl, mae's life devastated after her discover of her pregnancy, hanin frustrations and anu's identity revelation.
There is so much pain in the world. You partake of it expecting it to reduce. But it feeds on itself.
It is not without its happy moments. Sometimes, now when Anu calls up, a whole friendship blooms and I realize that not everything is lost.
Image Courtesy: Joseph Gray via Flickr
Yahoo chatting is not a new addiction. But when deadlines loom large, my new outlet is chatting with strangers. Your deepest secrets are laid bare before them and you very well know that they are safe with them. In between getting attacked by virulent bots, I met slma, again.
She is from Alexandria. Oh wait, that all works when you assume all the items in the statement one by one. Let me rephrase that - 'She' said she was from 'Alexandria'. I wouldn't know for sure. I believed her. She knew Arabic, that is sure. Whether it was a huge prank, I would never know. It was a nice, warm, even funny chat. She seemed to have a good heart. She struggled with her English. I agreed to help. Sure, I am always charitable.
We started off well and good and in a day, we were chatting like long lost friends, who found a new meaning to our lives. Yeah, right. That was just me. I found something. Something nice, sweet and fuzzy. But that wasn't the reason. The reason was her name, my old sweetheart's name. We broke up, but I am still attached, yes.
Second day was thrilling. We missed a day, she had flu, she was resting, her schedules (oh she was a nurse, did i tell you that?) were making her cranky. Another day, we exchanged our numbers. Oh wait, I just gave her mine. Call me when you come online, I said. She said yes. YES! I was already imagining ganging up my Arabic friends and learning Arabic. And it was just the fourth day. But I was in it quite deep. Yeah, deep shit. So, next day, the wait starts. As you might have guessed, it still continues. She disappeared. Completely. No chat, no mail, no messages, no calls, nothing! All the heart-wringing caused by one slma, repeated painfully, again.
Here are my reasonings, as I do have always:
1. She is a 'he'. Realizing the prank went too far, he slips into oblivion. Possible, yes, but I was sure it was a woman's chat, no doubt about it. You get that sense, don't you, there are differences. I don't think a man could chat like that. Unless he is a pro.
2. She is abducted. This is my fantasy scenario. She is in house arrest from her cruel father or brother who found out about her chats and is banned her from any internet contacts. I can already imagine them, threatening. Haha, it makes me laugh. And why is this possible? Because, she warned me about her father and how he is so cruel and what not.
So where am I now? Well, the pain subsides. But I wish she talked or simply told me why she can't. Any talk is an an encouragement, sure.
It is like you talking about a breakup with your lover when he/she is not ready. The very act of talking makes them want you more. Which manifests in terms of repeated queries of whys, what happened's and the rest.
It is the time to rest down. And tell myself: it wasn't going to work anyway; it was for the good; she is a man; she is not abducted, she just left.
But somewhere deep inside, I hope... I hope. At least that nothing bad happened to her. It is not so cruel the world out there...
Picture from
pareeerica via flickr
At the background of Alejandro by Lady Gaga, I am typing down this post and I feel tiredness as poison to the tip of my feet.
The evening was a little animated with a friendly job-prank call from Sujith and Sandeep. In between many pretentious responses, I sometimes wonder what a straight line lives they are leading: at least thats what I think. Me? I am moving on with fake pretentious moves, each step a closely guarded, negotiated in tandem with all the previous lies, like a huge, card castle, building one on the top, knowing very well that the base is so shaky, but can't help keeping myself with this build'ing.
I look up to the sky and see the beauty of my flimsy creations, them only I can see and enjoy. Too bad no one believes me.
Image from
Flickr by joyosity
Searing pain, touching the lowest levels of this grovelling existence. At the pits. At the wit's end. No single light at the end of the tunnel. The last of the lost worlds is also lost on me.
On the black rough rocks, I knelt on my hands and sat down. The day has past and evening's black rays are enveloping the sky. I was terrified that the light of the day will not end. But finally now, the kingdome of darkness has descended. My land in this bright desolate world. A summer evening.
Picture Courtesy: I:tzharr via Flickr
This had to be great. I was following Gemma's rejection of Ray ('Hung') and the reason behind it. She was trying to reject Ray the same way she was rejected by one of her ex's. In my case I shall be doing what Champa has been doing all this while to Neela. Would she understand? Maybe I should warn her, maybe she wouldn't then take it seriously. Then, what was the point anyway? I think the major point was to share the hurt in a different way. To share the pain in different ways is in one way now to be. It's downright pathetic and mean. But then in the end the fake person she is, she would understand in her own ways. It wouldn't hurt so much then. She might even laugh at the stupidity of all of this. If that isnt too much pain.
Photo Courtesy lepiaf.geo via flickr
I should remember you only ephemerally. Instead I am craving for you. Your touches run deep down my skin perpetually. My spirit tingles at the slightest of your touches. You know when the body meets the body, even the clothes flimsy as they brushes against each other is in a sexual act of their own. Or, it might just be a nuisance. You know that incredible feeling when you guide my hand across your back, strap of the bra and the tiny curls on your back. As I measure the length of your arms and your back and your fabulous abs, I am lost forever, grounded to my basic instincts: of primal desires of the bodily body.
Once lit, the hearth always burns itself until the bricks themselves are consumed, cremating the wholeness of the whole.
Picture courtesy: tinyfroglet via flickr
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Yllumière Leir 
There are some points in which you start appreciating the western habits of commemorating the commonest emotions: love for your friends, lovers, mother father, sister. The day you start appreciating it is the day you realize how you have been taking everything for granted. 
